Fear is such a shapeshifter of an emotion. I guess that can be said about any emotion when you think of it. Many layers, different depths, even different shades.
When I reflect on my life, I’ve allowed fear to navigate my life’s decisions. From the outside it wouldn’t be called fear, maybe prudent or safe, but it was modeled for me growing up. As I’ve aged, I’ve let it compartmentalize me into a box that this last year could have gone either of two ways, I somewhat heal and do the same old same old and continue the cycle that brings me back, or I somewhat heal and do something completely different and maybe/hopefully heal more completely.
When I say fear has led me, my constant thought or foundation thought would always be, “how will this be perceived?” I know that sounds incredibly insecure and leans into shame and judgement of myself, but I ask you, what’s your foundation? This was taught to me, not verbatim, but unintentionally from childhood.
In my reflections, I’ve been wondering what my life would have been like without fear. It’s too hard to really guess as there are too many different paths I would have taken and I probably would be a complete 180 from who I am today. I am grateful for today and who I have grown into and continue to become. These reflections are what have inspired me to embark on this journey of self discovery and self love. At the very root and beginning of this journey, I have faced fear time and again. I have transformed into someone if I met out somewhere, “Do I know you? You look familiar…” Definitely not the same me. [Recently, I’ve been joking that the new me was just born as it’s been 9 months since leaving my husband. (😂 knee slap)]
Over the last week, I have been struggling with returning to the bedside (because it’s what I know) or stepping off the worn path and blazing a trail into unknown territory to myself. I had a few conversations with a couple of friends and I realized that I was allowing fear to hold me back or at least give me pause to doubt myself.
Fear has held me back from things that probably would have made me happy. And happy is now the feeling that I’m chasing. Not love (external validation), not money (more external validation), not titles (even more external validation). I’m not saying any of those life events are bad, but when I was looking for those things, my intent wasn’t correct or aligned. And now, I’m not looking for those things, but rather loving myself and doing what I’m passionate about. And just being happy, truly happy, will attract those big things into my life without effort (I’m sure of it).
I’ve decided to “double down” on myself.
Starting this blog, YouTube, Instagram and substack to express myself in my varied passions has been healing for my soul. As I’ve lifted others in my past, this next phase of my life I’m moving forward by investing in myself and through that will continue to help, educate and inspire those around me. I’m excited and blessed to begin this adventure.
I encourage you to take a chance on yourself. Let go of what holds you back. Let go of fear. Maybe you might finally be satisfied; happy.
I’m not scared anymore, or at least, I’m not letting it hold me back.
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